Monday, March 18, 2013

A Lebanese Guide to Civil War Entertainment

Hello sewers of the middle east - welcome home, your land of origins, lebanon. Who is surprised, i am not, whatever happen in the region ends up exploding in lebanon. But this is not because we are the perfect victims as good "nationalists" this is exactly because we are good nationalists who are always ready for a civil war in order to "protect" themselves from the other. But this is only what i believe in, pure claims that are neither facts nor realities.
PS: i would still write this blog, especially if i was in lebanon. Aren't we so famous for dealing with an existing or  possibly upcoming war with humor! Therefore, if you are new to lebanon, have not lived through any civil war, or bored and trying to come with an idea about what to do during road blocks, shelling, men in black fighting under your house, bullets, and all those familiar scenarios, here you go, a list of things to do:

  Step 1- Neighborhood reunion: The people that you have never met in your building (well because big number of us work for 17 hours a day to feed the machine and be able to actually make a living) are now as stuck in the building as you are, get to know them, make friends and go to step 2.

  Step 2 - Cards: 400 - Tarnib - likha - poker (ma3 adame) - kent - 14.

  Step 3 - Shout at your TV: that might include venting every curse word you learned through your whole life time. Everytime you see any minister, or any politicians just stand and shout at them, curse them, spit on them and keep mumbling until you go crazy.

  Step 4 - Be creative: now that all your curses are used, and you don't want to repeat yourself, come up with new cursewords, go crazy, combine words, look up  new ones in the dictionary, go all Francophone on mixing up synonyms. wohooo

  Step 5 - Drink: start by water - vodka - whiskey - wine - camomile tea and sleep it away.

  Step 6 - Get depressed: and decide to start your immigration papers somewhere else.

  Step 7 - Movies: if you are lucky enough to have collected movies and series that you never have time to watch start watching them, do movie nights for the whole building - which reminds me, please include pop corn on your war shopping list. My recommended list is (Mad Man - House - Scrubs - al mou3alima wal oustaz - The Simpsons - Family Guy - Southpark - Please don't watch grey's anatomy if you do they will keep making more of it and both of us cannot fit on one planet i hate that show). ......

  Step 8 - War shopping list: well we all have one, but just to fill your time, write your war shopping list for years 2014 - 2015 - 2016 - 2017 - 2018 and hope that you will actually survive all the lebanese ups and downs in order to achieve the holly goal of collecting this shopping list.

  Step 9 - Games: by now you know everybody in the neighborhood, therefore one of them might as well have a monopoly or scrabble or snake and you are happily playing.

  Step 10 - Eat: cook and eat, try to eat less because you never know when food and water will disappear, and keep the food until it ends. Usually it takes from 1 week to 2 weeks if it's roadbloack and clashes.  If israel decided to practice it's favorite habit of shelling lebanon (and dahiye in specific) it might take up to a month, if the lebanese decided to practice their favorite habit of civil war, then, ya3tikon el 3afiye.

And finally - i almost forgot - if you could ever get out of your house, enjoy a walk in trafficless beirut, be careful though not to be shot, killed, bullied, beaten up just because they can!

This is only my list, you can use it while you are at your favorite  underground shelter, or at home, or hiding in the neighbor's bathroom or in your own corridor. Keep it and use it over and over again until you memorize it, because we will never change, learn or rebel against our own prejudices.

This is not a blog, this is a lump in my throat, and a foot in my the stomach. 

1 comment:

mireille ma gayra aka mirmir said...


trust me - u will be complaining the war is over ;p

and it is your perfect chance to hit on that hot neighbor (we all have one, don't we?)
she will be bored - you will be bored - you would have eaten enough, played enough.. so you might as well play a new game that helps with the weight thing ;p