Thursday, September 19, 2013

The story of a dysfunctional sense of home

Home, a word that always makes me feel anxious (like everything else) but this word in specific triggers a lot of discomfort for me. Where's home? Is it the place where one feels it about a materialistic space where you can smell sheets that remind you of your childhood or is it about people, humans that you like being around! To me home became a sense of familiarity, but it is as everything not one thing. Of course this feeling is derived from a sense of safety and an emotional stage that a friend can put you in. But recently, for the past year or so i have been away from "home" or the familiar; and the situations in which i felt home can be sometimes hilarious and pathetic at the same time.

Mostly and i do joke about it a lot, i feel home when i am somewhere and suddenly the electricity turns off. Yes it is very funny and so sad, damn, but this dysfunctional power cut gives me a sense of familiarity and in one second takes me back to beirut, to my favorite couch with my colorful blanket sitting with a book and reading because there's nothing else i want to do on a very cold winter. I suddenly feel the warmth, and warmth is not about heat, it's something deeper.

The other situation where i feel home is kind of more fucked up. So on one of those nights i was going back to my house and an incident happened, clashes in the streets where happening and the bus i was in almost had a car accident and between all of this, the second we went back to the safe zone of the street i felt an adrenaline high a sense of happiness mixed with a sense of familiarity and i looked at myself and i really felt what the fuck! It's just so sad that what makes me feel home.

For the last year i was in beirut, running away from burning tires road blocks became a daily routine, fights in the streets were always expected especially during rush hour. I as a human was constructed in a way where any sense of danger coming from clashes, fights, or conflict even when it puts me in a state of fear, at the same time gives me a sense of home. I keep analyzing this, what have this place done to us? How weird is this? how obnoxiously weird! I've had a lot of conversations about this with friends, now it has become an area of my interest, the formation of subjectivities for people coming from places as fucked up.

i needed to get this out of my system. Pathetic reflection. but hey hollywood film industry, fuck how you portray homes for us, my sense of home is so much cooler, ok!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Home is where ur fav people/things are